A Bittersweet Holiday

Mother’s Day. A holiday that should bring immense joy to me given that I just birthed my very own spawn three months ago. And yet, I’m filled with a bittersweet feeling of grief and remorse for a mother of mine that I’ll never celebrate the holiday with again.

It will be four years on the 26th since that fateful phone call from my brother. Since that heart wrenching monotone comment from my grandpa, “Your mother is dead.” Since that feeling of hopelessness and anger all rolled into one torrential burst of emotion.

This Mother’s Day has been the hardest thus far.

The first one, I was moved to tears thinking of the last Mother’s Day that I could have spent with my mom. But, I was mad. She had done something stupid again, and I didn’t even want to hear from her that day. I remember giving a card to Aaron’s mom and spending time with her on that day … leaving my own Mother to sit at her house alone and wait by the phone for the call that wouldn’t come.

The second one wasn’t that bad. I was engrossed in my life as a married woman. I was trying to finish up school. I missed her … but, not near as bad as I thought that I would have.

The third was spent in the comfort of a friend. My best friend had also lost her mother the year before. We spent Mother’s Day weekend together in Austin, listening to everyone else talk about how they “had to call their mom’s” or what they were going to be doing on Mother’s Day Sunday. We sat back and reminisced about our own mother’s for a moment, hugged, and tried to make the weekend not as sad as it could have been for either of us. I was about to graduate. I was even pregnant and didn’t know it. I was at a bachelorette party that weekend and had just bought a new car. I tried my hardest not to concentrate on the lack of mother in my life. Especially with my best friend there with me in her own pain and sorrow about the looming day and what that would mean for her brother’s and sister’s … this her first Mother’s day without her own mother.

But, this one. This one has been hard. It’s my own first mother’s day and I don’t have a mother of my own to talk about all of these feelings with. I miss her more than anything else in the world and want nothing more than to spend time with her today. I want to show her the son that Aaron and I have made. He’s beautiful and always happy. He’s the light of our life and I know that he would have been her light too. I want to show her the house that we have built and the life that we now lead. I want her to see what kind of woman that I have become. I want to show her that despite everything, I’m OK. All of these things that I want to do, just one more time, and I can’t.

Yes, I’m a mother now. I’m going to be the best mother that I can be for my son and for my future children. But, I need a mother too. And no other ones will do.

We went to a family reunion yesterday. They had four picture albums set up for people to look at. I found my mother as a child, blonde hair and pig-tails with a huge grin on her face. She’s was adorable! I found my mother as a mother. My arms wrapped around her as best I could reach, both of us with huge grins on our faces. I found my mother as an observer, lost in the background of a picture … a small grin sliding over her face as she watched the action. I found my mother in pictures that I don’t have. Pictures that chronicle happier days in our lives, before the darkness that would slowly seep into our happy little life.

I still don’t know what happened to her that night in late May. I don’t know why there was someone there that didn’t help her. I don’t know why that person brought in my brother to see our dead mother. I don’t know who had come over that night that made her upset. We found these notes that my mother had written. One to her friend Ms. Joy, one to my grandpa, and one to my brother. There wasn’t one for me. I guess she was upset with me too. I’ll never know.

But, today is just a day. It’s a day that is there to thank your mother for all that she has done for you in your life. So do it! Thank your mom’s for everything, even if you’re mad at them. Who knows what God has in store for you guys. Who knows if you’ll spend next Mother’s Day together or not. So, make sure that you make your mother feel extra special.

Do it for me.

    • Adrianne Nutt
    • June 12th, 2010

    I found the link to your blog on fb. You’re a very good writer! I’m so sorry to learn your mom passed away. I can’t imagine how hard that will be. I will say a special prayer for you. It seems like through it all, you have a very happy life and a wonderful family and of course a beautiful baby!

    • Thank you so much Adrianne. I do have a great life, which is such a blessing!

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